🗒 Topic:
Some people believe that space exploration is such a waste of money, and the budget for that must be used for more important purposes, such as public welfare.
To what extent do you agree with this point of view? Please provide your reasons.
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👤 The Essayist: Arash
These days, governments spend the majority of their budgets on space exploration, even though they can spend more money on public welfare. Although I agree that it is essential to spend money on public services, I do not think spending on the space exploration is a waste of money.
There are many reasons for spending a significant amount of the government budget on public welfare. First of all, public services are things such as roads, schools, hospitals, universities, etc. and these things determine the quality of our lives. For instance, if the governments do not spend adequate money on hospitals, the health of our society may decline. In addition, if not enough money is spent on schools, our children may not be properly educated. Furthermore, it is so important to spend a lot of money on public welfare in order to develop a happy society and it is absolutely essential to consider the sum of money for entertainment in order to grow up our children in a suitable environment.
However, in my opinion, keep other significant things in mind, the space program is very crucial and important for the whole world and should be funded due to the fact that it will help to improve the communication between countries in the world and also helping to search a new alternate to live.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that public welfare should be supported financially as there is need to have a great environment to live and a well-developed society to communicate with.
✅ Error Correction:
Paragraph 1:
Line 1: Not all governments do that.
Line 2: they could, because the situation is rather unreal
Line 2: spending money on …
Paragraph 2:
In your introductory paragraph, you have advocated for funding space exploration. Nevertheless, in your first supporting paragraph, you have contradicted yourself.
Line 5: a large / adequate sum of money
Line 6: grow up ➡ grow / bring up
Paragraph 3:
Line 1: keep ➡ keeping …
Line 1: Which space program? You should use the key word of ‘space exploration’.
Line 2: communication
Line 2: It’s better to use ‘among’ instead of ‘between’.
Lines 2-3: helping to search ➡ search for (referring back to ‘it will help to’)
Line 3: a new alternate ➡ new alternative places
Line 3: to live in
Paragraph 4:
Your conclusion is quite impertinent. You have not come to a conclusion about the necessity of funding space exploration.
Choice of Words (Diction): Average
Coherence: Below average
Cohesion: Above average
Grammar: Average
Reasoning: Below average:
In your introductory paragraph, you have stated that you do not equate space exploration with a waste of money. However, in your first supporting paragraph, which is longer than the second one, you have elaborated on the significance of public welfare, which is rather contradictory to your topic sentence.
You have paid an abundance of attention to public welfare, which is not in the foreground of attention. The main area of concern is whether to prioritize space exploration to other issues, and public welfare is just one example of those issues, and not the only one.
Your introductory and concluding paragraphs are NOT in line with each other.
Word Count: “252” Good!
Has laoreet percipitur ad. Vide interesset in mei, no his legimus verterem. Et nostrum imperdiet appellantur usu, mnesarchum referrentur id vim.
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